Dear Me Ten Years Ago: A Ramble of Reflection

A trending hashtag, which I promptly answered upon seeing it, got me to thinking about where I was ten years ago.

Looking back, I was lost and uninformed about so many different things. The younger generations that are growing up now, have the benefit of mass information at their fingertips, where I struggled to learn anything about my identity until I was well over 21. The internet of course had reached break neck speeds before I had crested the beginning of adulthood, but it was relatively new, and I was still getting the hang of the information super highway. Thankfully though, I did, because without it, I would not be where I am today.

Who I am, all of me, my sexual orientation, my gender, my neurodivergence, would have all been unknown to me in name, were it not for the internet. Likewise, I wouldn’t have had the vocabulary to describe them. However, with the help of the internet, I learned about other people like me, and figured out that who I am was not some weirdo, but a person with multiple facets to them.

Furthermore, given the sort of toxic messages I had learned from those around me and specific forms of entertainment, such as movies, books, etc. I would have never grown as a person, and realized that the partner I had at the time was all of those terrible YA tropes, wrapped up into a person that I thought I had loved. Once I realized this, I gave myself the agency to leave them, and begin anew. To this day, I celebrate the day I did, as it is when I really began doing what was right for me, and those I care about. It’s a personal holiday to me, honestly.

I say all of this to say that from fifteen to twenty-five, I grew, a lot. I still have a long way to go, but hashtags and reflections like this remind me of why it’s okay to be nostalgic occasionally, or pat yourself on the back. However, it’s also okay to look forward, knowing that you did the best with what you could. Also, I hope that as we continue on, that the generations after us will not have to struggle in that department, as they do have more likelihood of learning more so than previous ones before. How we all use that knowledge is to be determined.

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On Writing Own Voices, and the Trajectory of My Future Storytelling

Lately, I’ve thought a lot about my writing, and where I want it to go. For years, I’ve toiled with different manuscripts, never being satisfied with how they turned out, so I trashed them, or filed them away to be perused in the future. At the time of writing this, I’ve come to realize that perhaps there’s a reason those past ones did not work out, and perhaps it’s time to leave those ideas behind for the writing I plan to do in the future.

For those who have been writing Own Voices works, they already know what I have discovered, which is that it is no walk in the park. Given that I became aware of who I am only in the last couple of years, I never had the chance to do right by myself and write about being me before, because until recently, I was not entirely sure who that was. Now that I am though, the works that I once held so dear mean little to me, and I find myself wanting to start fresh so that I can write characters that reflect who I am, as well as others who are not like me, but deserve to be at the forefront of stories, rather than left out or shoved to the back of countless narratives, as they have been before.

In the past few weeks, as I written during NaNoWriMo, I’ve contemplated what I want to write more than I ever have. I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps even though I once loved writing fantasy, that maybe I don’t anymore? I have a hard time with change, so even thinking of this inwardly was shocking. However, as I sit down to write or read, I not ice what sort of works I gravitate towards now – romance and contemporary.

Does this mean I will cease to enjoy reading fantasy, or writing it occasionally? No, not at all. It’s simply that as I’ve grown older, I enjoy reading books that can tell a story without the added allegorical trappings, with a nice love story to boot. I still love fantasy, and will continue to write it as fanfiction. However, at this point, when all else falls away, I look forward to writing about love, and current social commentary in a setting that does not require creating fantastical creatures or menacing antagonists that may or may be derivatives of Sauron from Lord of the Rings, or one of that series’ contemporaries.

If you write or read, over the years, how have your tastes changed? Let’s talk in the comments!

Until next time,

T.J.

On My Unintended Hiatus, Health Status, & More

Contrary to what I said last week, I did not have as many posts queued up as I initially thought. I have many drafts that I need to finish, but given the status of where I’ve been mentally and physically, it was not possible to do so for this past week. Normally, I don’t speak up much about my personal life on this blog much outside of what fits the LGBTQIA+ themed posts, but I figure now might be a good time to explain at least part of the reason this past month and this past first quarter of the year exhausted me so thoroughly.

Health-wise, over the past few weeks, I came down with the flu. I’m not often sick, so when I am, the illnesses I do contract have me down and out for longer than most, it seems. This is merely an observation of my own, not an absolute fact. Secondly, I have seizures. It’s something I’ve dealt with for years now, but over the course of the past year, particularly since the beginning of this year, they have become more frequent than ever.

The seizures I have come in varying degrees and they leave me exhausted to the point my body overcompensates for sleep afterwards. Even with the “normal” amount of sleep an adult should have, sometimes that isn’t enough. There are periods after where I have to exceed that by a great deal to recover. Then there’s the other aftermath symptoms that come along with recovering, such as the inability to concentrate, amongst others. That one is particularly frustrating and overwhelming, especially when all I want to do is write or work on my school work.

That being said, I am working with health professionals to be diagnosed, get on medication, and I’m taking all of the proper precautions, etc. I even bought a bracelet which has SEIZURES emblazoned across the bright red band. Even so, it’s hard some days, to say the least.

Even though all of this has been going on, I’ve still managed to do more school work after copious amounts of sleep and mental rest. I’ve also finished a book. Just one from my 15 count long TBR for April. At this point, I don’t see that being finished, given all that I’ve got going on. As for Camp NaNoWriMo, I’m not where I want to be, but I’ve written a decent amount. Depending on how these last two weeks of April go, I may be able to finish my 30,000 word goal. All in all, I’m just winging it and hoping for the best.

As for this blog, if I don’t post on the days I normally do, it’s not for lack of trying. I am doing all that I can to be on a normal schedule. I’d like to say there won’t be any more gaps, but I’m not a seer. All I can do is do the best with what I’ve been given, and hope it’s enough.

I hope everyone’s April is going well!

Until next time,

T.J.


April Showers Me With To Do Lists and Goals

Hi guys!

It’s a bit of a personal post today, rather than a certain topic. I need a good written ramble though, so please bear with me.

This month is going to be a chaotic one in my life for a number of reasons:

  1. I’m back in school, working to become certified for a specific job in the medical field. Anything related to that area means studying, sleeping if possible, more studying, a bit of crying, and then studying again, as I have learned the last few weeks. I loved what I’ve learned so far though, and I am glad I chose a career change.
  2. I’m trying to complete a whole manuscript with Camp NaNoWriMo. It is only a first draft, but the pressure is on, because I chose this MS over one I’ve been working on for ten years and now I feel like this is a monumental decision, because I shelved my dream project(s) for one I hadn’t planned on writing for another ten years. However, I wanted to do an OwnVoices novel, so that is what led me to this one instead. More news on that later, as time progresses.
  3. I’ve assigned myself a massive TBR to complete, because my hope is that I can read enough books to populate posts for every single day of Pride Month in June. Will it happen? Who knows. However, I am still going to try. I’m an ambitious sort, what can I say?
  4. Outside of this, I am a parent, and a person who has to do other things related to being a human. I also have other goals I won’t list here, but ones that could potentially be difficult given that every single free moment from here on out must be scripted or scheduled.

Reading over this you might wonder, why on earth would you take on all of that at once? The answer is short – I’m tired of wasting time where I don’t want to be, career wise. Also, I have stories that need to be told, and ones I want to boost because representation matters, and those seeking it should find it. I’m working towards a better future for myself and my family, as well as my little corner of the world. Sometimes that means making sacrifices, but in the end, it’ll be worth it.

As for the blog, the schedule will retain its normal routine. I’ve got scheduled posts that will drop while I’m busy. In a month I’ll let you all know how this craziness goes, and whether I’ve gained a few gray hairs or not.

So, readers, what about you? Are you participating in Camp NaNoWriMo? What are you entering? Have you got a big TBR, or no? Let’s talk in the comments!

I hope each person who reads this has a swell day!

Until next time,

T.J.

To Live In A Moment

To Live In A Moment

At some point in the future, I hope that all of my labor will bear fruits from the seeds that I have sewn. That is what all of us creative types, parents, or people striving for more desire, right? While that time is what I aspire to, even now I find relevance in the present that I am living.

The light filtering through the window, then splashing across the room that I work in, which illuminates the pages I have filled within my spirals, or the exuberant laughter of a small child often accompanied with requests for a story or a jaunt through the woods, remind me that while one day I do hope to have been published many times over, as that is my ultimate goal, I also have other objectives outside of writing. So for now, I will enjoy the mediocrity that is being unknown, for this time and my daughter’s younger years, are only here for so long.

I do not have a fancy desk, but a small functional one, where I can be found at various times throughout any given day, typing away with a fervent flame of desire that courses through me to tell the stories that are woven into the fabric of my soul. I do not have high end devices, but a laptop that has served me well in the time that I have had it. Scattered notes are written throughout multiple notebooks, and someday I may have them readily available in the way that I have witnessed professional authors do. Right now though, I am reveling in my amateur status, because one day I hope to have the privilege of thinking back on it fondly, with the knowledge that the best is yet to come.

The Weight of Years

The Weight of Years

Nearly two months ago, I sheared off over two feet of my hair. Relief was instant – I felt lighter than I had since I last did that over four years before. The first occasion that my hair was shorn, I equated it to the fact that in my life, I have always had bulky, and at times, disagreeable hair, which necessitates cutting off portions of it to varying degrees every so often. Now, as I’m older, I realize it was much more than that.

With locks that were over half the length of my body, it was difficult to believe that someone would not equate my appearance to a certain binary gender, rather than the way I wish to be seen – otherwise neutral, or non-binary. Dysphoria became the norm, as vulnerability encompassed a part of my mental state, which made each day or social outing that much harder. As each strand descended to the floor, I felt an extra breath of life fill my lungs.

Free from the burden of the weight of years, I have found a peace that only exists within me as I allow myself the room to be who I am, rather than what the world wishes me to be. However, I am far from where I want to be as a whole, but each change helps.

Allow Yourself To Fail

Often times collectively as humans, we are all so intent on success that we forget what it is to reach it. To succeed is to also have failed. Without failure as a teacher, how can we know what it is to do better? Refusal to become complacent in repeated failure is where growth happens, and eventually triumph. However, first, there must be errors, followed by acceptance of the knowledge each one has given, which will then lead to the creation of a foundation to build triumph upon.

This is a concept that I personally struggle with, as I am impatient. Over the years though, I’ve become more adept at accepting blunders and then working to make certain they never happen again. Even now, with regards to writing, as well as life, it is a fact that at times I find hard to accept in the face of a freshly made mistake. The truth is though, without my past losses, I would not have known how to go forward and create a better future for myself.

I do not seek failure, nor advise anyone else to, but it is inevitable in life. When met with it, one must acknowledge it, learn from it, and then move on. Otherwise, to become so consumed with the past is the road to future failure, rather than new achievements. So, permit yourself to fail when necessary, rather than dwell upon the loss, use the information gained instead to execute your goals more effectively the next time around.